Every December, the decorations come out of storage and our house becomes a sea of red and green. Of course, none of my matte black bikes match the holiday decor, so I have to haul them out of the living room (where such works of art belong) and hide them in our freezing garage before guests arrive. Well not this year!
Today’s dream bike quiver is holiday themed, filled with festive red and green bikes that will fit right in with all of your wreaths and ornaments. Also, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been naughty or nice this year, if you're looking for a bike that's both beautiful and fast, look no further than these high-performance holiday-themed bikes.
Aero road bike: Trek Madone SLR Project One - $7,899.99
The Trek Madone evolved from an all-rounder into a sprint-dominating aero bike with deep Kammtail aero tubes and 50mm Bontrager carbon wheels to cut through the wind. Also, you’ll never have to sit through “The Nutcracker” again because Trek added a rear IsoSpeed decoupler for extra comfort during long stretches in the saddle. The delicious candy cane paint job is fully custom and will light up the peloton like Rudolf’s nose when you fly off the front.
Triathlon bike: Specialized Shiv Expert Disc - $8,299.99
Triathlon brings together three sports, like combining Christmas, Hanukkah, and … Kwanzaa? Boxing Day? Anyway, it’s about togetherness. But the thing is, I care more about bikes than swimming or running. That’s why, instead of wetsuits or shoes, I'd rather spend my money on this sparkly green Specialized Shiv. The front end uses wide, asymmetric fork legs that are so aero, it would probably beat Santa’s sleigh in a race around the globe.
Endurance road bike: Cervélo Caledonia-5 - $6,499.99
Endurance bikes like the Cervélo Caledonia are more comfy than a cup of hot cocoa by the fire. With an upright position and clearance for 34mm tires, it helps you ride farther on rougher surfaces. And because Cervélo are aero experts, they added subtle aero frame shaping to make it the most efficient endurance bike available. It’s fast and versatile, and the bright red paint will match your mom's poinsettias.
Gravel bike: 3T Exploro Team Force LTD - $4,099.99
The ghost of cycling future warned me that gravel will take over — and that I’m eating too many cookies to stay competitive. To get a second chance, I’ll need this dark-green 3T Exploro Team. It was the world’s first aero gravel bike, and 3T claims that it was even tested in the wind tunnel with mud-covered knobby tires to ensure it works in real-world conditions. If you’re gaining holiday weight like I am, a faster gravel bike might be the quickest path to redemption.
Mountain bike: Pivot Switchblade Race - $6,399.99
I’m pretty sure this Pivot Switchblade is the same color as the Grinch. But instead of stealing presents, it’s after Strava KOMs. With 142mm of travel, it’s a perfect example of a quiver-killer, a trail bike that can descend as well as it climbs. The DW-Link suspension is plush but efficient, so you can race down rowdy descents and keep climbing back up for more. You’ll want to hit the trails so much that other riders will say, your PRs grew three sizes that day!
Another mountain bike: Reeb Sqweeb V2 - $4,499.99
You think I can make a dream quiver with just one mountain bike? Think again! I’ve owned a couple of Reeb Sqweebs, and each one was painstakingly hand-built, as if by a skilled team of elves (or a welder). Best of all, you get lots of custom powder coat options. So forget stars and angels, this bright white and gold frame is the perfect tree topper. Okay, okay, I’m just looking for an excuse to add another awesome bike to this quiver.
Total cost: $37,699.94
There are a lot of expensive bikes in this holiday quiver, so it would take some sort of bike-mas miracle for all six to come home with me. So consider this holiday quiver a wish list. I can surreptitiously leave it open somewhere my wife will see it. Maybe while she’s putting up the last of the decorations, she’ll realize that, yes, bikes are in fact the ultimate home decor, and we need to buy one immediately to display by the tree.
If I do get one bike from this list, I hope it’s the 3T Exploro. It was the star of my dream gravel build, and I really am thinking about racing one next year.
What bike(s) are you hoping for this holiday season? Is red the fastest color? Let me know in the comments!
