I have this silly fantasy where I’m riding down a quiet country road. The theme song for "Full House" comes on and suddenly my wife, son, dad, niece, and brother-in-law all ride into frame behind me. Together we laugh and pedal as one big happy family, waving to friendly side characters in a convertible. Then I drop the hammer with an 1800-watt sprint, leaving everyone in the dust as the credits roll across the screen.
What do I call my imaginary family sitcom? "Full Quiver."
I hope that someday I actually get the chance to ride with my family like this in real life (maybe minus the cold-blooded sprint). If it does happen, what bike should everyone ride? This week’s dream bike quiver is a bit different. Instead of a quiver for one person, this is a quiver for the whole family.
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Dad: Evil Chamois Hagar - $5,999.99
I’m the main character of my own life, so obviously, I need a fly bike that’s versatile enough to handle the hijinks I’m sure to encounter. I’ve been lusting after the Evil Chamois Hagar ever since it was released. No gravel bike on the market has geometry this progressive. The dropper post, long reach, and slack head tube will make it capable on tough singletrack trails. But thanks to a lightweight carbon frame and fast tires, I can still get up to speed on smooth roads. Plus, its name is pretty much a dad joke!
Mom: Specialized S-Works Tarmac SL7 - $12,199.99
My wife is my comedic foil, the Mindy to my Mork. She’s much smarter than me, more athletic, and the main breadwinner of the family. So, she needs a serious bike meant to get things done: the S-Works Tarmac SL7. With a lightweight aero frame and SRAM Red AXS group, it’s a pro-level, world-beating road bike, perfect for the only woman on the planet capable of reigning over this family of ruffians. As a data nerd, analyzing her power with the included Quarq power meter will be the perfect way to relax after a stressful day.
Son: Giant XTC Jr 20 - $299.99
I love my 3-year-old son to death, but what a doofus. His iconic catchphrase is “Uh-ohhhhh” and he’s oblivious to danger with a tendency to send it without scouting the landing first. This tiny XTC Jr kid’s bike will be the perfect upgrade from his balance bike. It’s a simple, no-frills singlespeed that’s designed to take a beating with a single rear brake and a saddle with plenty of adjustment. Hopefully he’ll be able to ride it for a few years and maybe even improve his risk assessment skills.
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Grandpa: Serial 1 Rush/CTY - $4,999.99
My crotchety dad is pretty trim for a man in his 60s. But he’s “golf fit” as he says, and there’s no way he’s keeping up without some electric assistance. Serial 1 E-bikes are made by Harley-Davidson, so my dad can park this Rush/CTY right next to his beloved Harley Fat Boy. Hopefully, he leaves his vintage leather jackets at home, but don’t be surprised to see him cruise by with pedal assistance up to 20mph. With an Enviolo AUTOMATiQ CVT transmission, he can think more about improving his short game than shifting.
Niece: Liv STP 24 - $489.99
My niece is the secret boss of the entire family. You’ve never met a 10-year-old this articulate and mischievous. Wait, why am doing her math homework? She tricked me again! She loves to go off on solo adventures, so this Liv STP 24 is the perfect bike for her to get out of the house and explore her own B stories. It has a 1x drivetrain, disc brakes, and fat knobby tires — everything a budding shredder needs to shralp berms, boost jumps, and put those annoying neighborhood boys in their place.
Brother-in-law: Yeti SB140 Turq - $4,999.99
In his teenage years, my handsome, thrice-divorced brother-in-law was a sponsored BMX rider. Though he’s outgrown chasing skater girls around town on a brakeless BMX, he’s still young at heart. Enter the SB140, Yeti’s ultimate “jib” bike. With 27.5” wheels and 140mm of travel, it’s the Yeti for playful riders who like whipping and ripping down the trail. He thinks that if he pulls off enough wheelies, he’ll impress the local shredders and finally meet “the one.” I hope he does because I really want him to move out.
Total cost: $28,989.94
It’ll take nearly 30 grand to outfit my entire family. Of course, all of the adult bikes I chose are premium, especially the S-Works Tarmac. (She's worth it.) Maybe I’ll pitch my family cycling sitcom idea to a few networks and they can foot the bill.
Back here in the real world, I’m seriously considering those kids bikes. They’re a good price and I’ll always be able to resell them later. And after talking to my Harley-loving dad, he might actually want a Serial 1 for cruising around town. What bikes belong in your family quiver?
